Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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