i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
