I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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