Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
