If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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