The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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