I faked an abortion last night.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
