Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
