I'm jealous of your bromance
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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