I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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