Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
