I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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