have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
