whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize