bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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