The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
