...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize