Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
