i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
splinters make it hard to masturbate
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
