i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
