If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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