Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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