Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
