OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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