Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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