Cold hands, warm shart.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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