I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
