forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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