i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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