Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
