she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
