I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize