I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
