He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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