Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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