I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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