zippers are such a cool invention
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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