Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Congratulations! We have a period
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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