If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
