Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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