Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
