what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
