While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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