Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
