The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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