Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
