I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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