Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
