I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
