I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Randomize
