life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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