Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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