Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize