My underwear smells like fireworks.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
