I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
