So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize