and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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