if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
