Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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