Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize