alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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