I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
